If you’re reading this, it means you’re also a 2020 survivor. 2020 seems to be the year that many people hate because of the global pandemic and recession. For me, I don’t hate it at all, it got no significant effect in my life, but this is indeed the toughest year I’ve ever had.

The first half of the year, I could barely function. I was struggling just to live a normal day. If you dont know, it’s because of my fiance’s health condition which in the end led to his passing, leaving me with a scar to heal and live with. It’s been a rollercoaster year for me, with all the hopes, broken hearts, and breakthroughs. It’s tough, but still a good year. No matter how hard it was, I’m thankful for it.

And here are the highlights of my 2020:

1. Five months abroad

In this year, I spent almost half of it in South Africa with my in-law family. I went back to Indonesia in February 2020 and went again in June when super strict COVID19 travel ban was already applied. After he died, I stayed there for four months, overstaying my visa, thanks to COVID19. I took the time to heal there until I was finally ready to deal with Bali by myself with all the memories we had.

Before he died, the South Africa memories that I had were with him, so I wanted to craft something that is mine. It’s not easy to wander around in South Africa as a woman, but I still managed to have some time in Cape Town, and rode bycicle around my in-law’s neighborhood in Knysna, and other cities in South Africa. And eventhough I was there for 5 months, I still have this weak tropical skin resistance to the cold weather, even their summer still freezes me!

2. Diamond Ring

I proposed to my fiance in November 2019 without a ring and my fiance surprised me with the most beautiful diamond ring that he designed by himself! It’s shaped like a wave and a plane turbin, two things that really represent him. He didn’t put one diamond or two, or three, but he put NINE diamonds on it! I told him I didn’t need a ring, but Mike said that I deserve it, and he said his future wife has to be wearing something that not many men can easily compete with. Haha, maybe he wanted to make sure that I end up only with a rich man. LOL, it’s my wish too!

3. My in-laws

The journey we’ve had has made me and my in-law family closer and I’m so thankful for them. They’re still my parents and my sister, and I’m their brown daughter/ sister! I may not have my partner with me, but I have the best in-law family anybody could ever dream of!

4. My fiance’s passing

It’s brutal.

But it still has a lot of grace in it. I’m not gonna talk about it in this post. But it’s the hardest challenge ever happened in my life so far. I’ve become numb to other pains because it’s hard to compete. I guess the pain that can hurt me more than this is only if I have to lose a child (**knock on wood). Other than that, I’m more than strong.

5. My determination to get a visa during COVID19

My journey to get a visa in June 2020 could be made into a series, it’s super hard! If it’s not the stubborn person that I am and the in-law family I have, I would’ve missed my chance to be with my fiance before his passing. Now looking back at it, I can only say, “Girl, you’re such a badass!!”

6. My Youtube channel’s growth and endorsement

This year I’ve been approached by a few businesses for collaborations, but I had to refuse most of them because I was outside the country and not in a mental stability to produce work on demand. The only opportunity that I said yes to was only one by PT. Brother Indonesia because they contacted me before my fiance’s situation got worse. They sent me a very nice portable sewing machine to review, and instead of using it for myself, I put it for a giveaway. Got a lot of participants because of all the sewing youtubers that the company collaborated with, only I did a giveaway of the sewing machine. The comments that I got from the participants cheered me up because they wanted it so badly. So in the end I chose other five winners and they got other gifts from me. They’re really thankful, so I think I will do another giveaway again soon.

7. Online course purchases

My financial records show that my expenses on education and self-development are even higher than my rent in Bali, haha. Especially after Mike’s passing, I use self-development and actualization as a revenge of my loss, so I bought three online courses (and now thinking to buy another one on motion graphics, haha). I havent finished all the three courses but slowly getting there. Because in this healing time, I’m not going to work until I’m ready, no matter how long it is (or until I’m running out of money, lol), so I’m using it to catch up with the time that I missed during the stressful time.

8. Big big shopping year

Another thing that my financial records show is that this year is my biggest spending year due to the stress and I call that “the healing process expenses”. My monthly expenses this year is around 15 mil – 25 mil/ month, and my highest was 45 mil in one month! I regret nothing though, I work hard for me. If I’m not healed, I won’t be able to work and earn again. I dont have anyone to spoil me anymore, so I’m spoiling myself because I’m the only one who can do that in my circumstance.

9. More losses

In 2020, not only that I lost my fiance, but I also lost two other men who were close to me; two of my best friends died, both were the same age as Mike. I’m just lost of words to write about this. Dear angels, you’ll be missed.

10. Coming back to Bali

After 4 months in South Africa after he died, I finally felt ready. I wanted and needed to continue my life. Bali is one of my fave places in the world, I love it and I live there, I’m living my dreams and used to be our dreams. Now I’m back to single pilot mode, every corner of Indonesia reminds me of him because he’s taken me everywhere. It hurted so much at first, and it still hurts sometimes, but it doesnt hurt 24/7 and I’ve grown stronger and more accustomed to deal with the pain.

It’s still so good to be back, to my life, the life that I know before cancer came. I’m back to dancing, socializing, creating, wandering around Bali, etc. I love my life.

11. Stand up comedy

One of the best things happened in my 2020 is my stand up comedy. I never thought I’d speak in public and moreover tell jokes! Now look at this girl doing sets and setting a name for herself! I’ve been one of the regular comedians in Canggu (we perform every week) and I go by the label “Bule Hunter”. The real reason why I tried comedy was because of the pain I felt after a few weeks arrived in Bali. I needed to do something about it so I just tried comedy, and I’ve been doing well as a beginner! This January 2021, I’m gonna be the opening act for the comedy club’s founder’s special in Hard Rock Cafe Bali. It’s f*cking Hard Rock Cafe!!

I enjoy the process of comedy writing, rehearsals and the community. It feels like I got a new family in Bali. And actually most of comedians are people who’ve experienced hard things in their lives and comedy is our theraphy. Every week we rehearse, we practice ours and help to improve other comedians’ sets, because it’s a team work as the whole performance depends on everyone, not only one or two. The Bali Comedy Club was also the family that I spent Christmas with this year and we did Secret Santa and I bought everyone a gift, I went total for it!

12. Another new skill: Nail Art!

In the end of the year, I picked up a new interest in nail art. I never had my nails done before, then after trying for the first time, I was just interested to try doing it myself and for me it’s something therapeutic. This is the kinda art that I’d like. Of course I won’t do it for money (it’s good if I can get paid one day) but for now it’s just a hobby and skill to add to my belt! I bought all the equipments needed for beginner, I spent IDR 4 mil in total for it but it’s better than paying IDR 400k every month to get my nails done.